Tuesday, November 22, 2011

How To Get The Most Blessings by Supreme Master Ching Hai.

The Greenest Heroes Gala
December 5, 2010 – Cancún, Mexico

Many planets are not as beautiful as this. I want to tell you the truth. This is beautiful. Some planets are more spiritually developed, or more technologically developed, but not all of them as beautiful as this. And even some of them envy our planet. Many things we take for granted, for example, apple trees, apricot fruits, they love because they don’t have them there. Please appreciate our home. Appreciate our home and try to save it. We can save all that we wanted to save because we have the power. All of us, all of us have the power to do that.

We all heard that human’s life is precious. Buddha says that it’s easier for a turtle to go all the way from the bottom of the ocean up to the surface and meet one random little piece of wood that’s passing by with a little hole in it - it’s easier than to become a human, means to have a human birth. But you heard like that, but you don’t know how precious it is. I am going to put it here mathematically, so you know how many. Heaven does have points to classify who is who. Now we humans are very, very precious. I put it precisely - 9.2 zillions of zillions spiritual points to get a human body. After the 9.2 zillions to be born as human, you need twenty zillions of a zillion to live a full 100 years. You are really precious in the eyes of the whole universe.

As you and I are sitting here, you are not aware of so much blessing you have from the deities of the Heaven, from the angels that surrounding the good people. For example, you don’t kill, you don’t steal, you don’t tell lie, you don’t have extramarital relationship, you don’t take intoxicants, like drug, alcohol, etc., you keep your life straight like this, you have five angels always around you to protect you. The more discipline you keep, the more angels you have. For example, like 100% is the scale, then the angels normally would bless you 5%. The deities will bless you 5%. All this blessing, all over.

If we don’t do anything wrong and if we even eat vegan, we get more from that. If we meditate, we get even more than this. For example, one person who doesn’t meditate gets 5%, but the meditate person gets like 15%. Why? Because the vibration is higher, and then it meets with more level of higher blessing. Because they are on the higher level of consciousness. So the higher we go, the higher blessing we get.

A high level master, a saint, for example, would bless you 500%. A normal saint who, for example, a monk in India, he meditates, he eats vegetarian, he meditates on any other method, it doesn’t have to be my method, he would even bless you 30% by his own merit, automatically. If the Master is higher than the Fifth level, would bless the disciple like 4,000% spiritual blessing. Even UFO people, extraterrestrial, they bless you from 10-60% every day.

But the thing is, the people who are not vegan and who are not meditating, they get only 3% out of it. Because everything else has to deduct, deduct for animal karma, bad retribution, deduct for everything else and 3% left. That is the problem. We deprive ourselves of the benefit of so many blessings that’s all over us.

Now, the animals bless us no end. For example, your dog will bless you 3% every day. But my dogs bless me 6% or 8%, because they are vegan and I love them, and they respond to love. They don’t just give to anybody, not even their owner. If the owner doesn’t love them, they don’t give. Even non-vegetarian dog, they bless you, less like 2%. Now, because they have to be deducted, that’s all. It’s not like they keep it, but deduction. If we eat animal, our merits have to be deducted and given to that animals.

A medium bird will bless you 4%. A parrot, for example, big parrot, blesses you even more, 8%. A turkey, if you are with them, if you raise them in your yard, he or she will bless you 5-10%. For example, today you earn only 100 spiritual points by something, he will give you 5 more, or 10 more, to add on top, every day like that, can you imagine? Ten days, then you have 100% without doing anything. Just to keep an animal, a turkey. A chicken even, so small and helpless, blesses you 2-6%, 6% or 10%, because you give them vegan, then they have more power to bless you.

A rabbit, from 4-6%. A cow will bless you 7-15% of spiritual points. The more merits you have, the multiplied of the blessing from the animals and angels and deities and saints and sages and spiritual practitioners. The lamb would give you 5-10%. A horse will give you 6-15%. An elephant will give you 40%of spiritual merit. A seal would give you 13%. A goat would give you 5%.

Even foxes bless you. Squirrels bless you, beavers bless you, ducks bless you, swans bless you, even shark bless you. Geese bless you 15%. Even the bumble bee blesses you 1%. My God, so small, the bee! Little one! Please take care of the bees. Even a butterfly blesses you 1%. Even a fly blesses you 0.5%. Wild birds bless you. Seagulls bless you 8%. Crocodiles even bless you 2%. A wild hog blesses you 8%. Turtles bless you 15%. A wild cat 2-6%. A fox even 4%. Okay, we can go on forever. No wonder, the Lord in the Bible says that, “I created all the animals to be your helpers”. Now we understand, hm?

Cutting trees at the rate of incredible speed harms us, harms our planet. Trees are also a source of great blessing. A tree about this size, that you could put the arm around it, for example, the pine tree in the forest, one tree alone blesses you 15% spiritual points daily, by just being there. And even the small plants, when you walk in the garden, or you sit in the garden, you meditate, you have more spiritual points than sitting on concrete in a small room somewhere.

If we are vegan, for example, and eat only one meal a day, then we get like 40% more spiritual points. Suppose you earn 100 points, if you are a vegan and eat one meal a day, you earn 40 spiritual points more. And if you eat twice a day, two times a day, you earn 20% more. If you eat three times a day, vegan, you earn 10% more.

For an average Quan Yin practitioner, means our Association member who meditates every day, you have 30-40% more extra, apart from vegan meal and all that.

Please, be conscious, so that you get more blessing, so that you can live your life more in peace and make a better decision for you and for all of us, for everyone.

It’s urgent situation. We all have to rescue our home. If it’s not for you, because some of us maybe don’t care about life and death anyway, but for the future generation. Imagine how many billions you rescue if the planet is still alive. Can you imagine how much merit you earn? If you save a life of a chicken, you earn a lot of merit. If you save a life of humans, even more so.

I know you’re very busy, busy, but please remember, you are the number one person. You have to first take care of yourself. So you have to save time, 20, 30 minutes a day, to quiet down, to try to assimilate all the blessing that I have told you about. The less meat, the less disease, the more blessing, more happiness. You try it for a while, maybe 10 days, 15 days, with this conscious feeling of blessing and breathing in whenever you feel too stressed, and anytime, you just breathe. You will feel elated. You can prove it to yourself that blessing really exists. And if you go on with it and sincerely, you will see vision of Jesus, Buddha, or Prophet Muhammad, whoever the master, or even the present master somewhere in this planet, will come and teach you more than my words can tell. Please try. Prove it! Prove it!

Peace comes with price. Peace comes when we elevate all the whole world consciousness. So, don’t point finger at this and that leader or this and that group. The whole world shares happiness and sorrow all together. I mean we are all to be blamed and we are all to be cherished, we are all to be respected, and we are all to be loved. We all share this home together. Please I need all of your points put together for peace sake and for the planet’s sake. Please help. Share. Meditate, vegan, and automatically we’ll give. Please help! Everybody meditate, vegan, please help! Okay? Not just help yourself, help the world!

Live in the Law of Love: The Ten Commandments

[Supreme Master Ching Hai's lecture in Armenia: - From One Soul to Another]

God has reminded us to live in the Law of Love from the Ten Commandments. Because if we are God or God's children, we should live the way of "Love", which is the way of God. The Ten Commandments are not of God's Commandments, because Hes is not strict with us. Hes is very, very loving. Hes loves us, no matter how sinful we are. But the Ten Commandments are just qualities - the qualities of a child of God or the qualities of a walking God on this planet. So if we want to proclaim the glory of God, we must also be fit and be up to the standards of Ten Commandments. So, of course, we'll be loving to each other, share things with each other, not kill each other, and so on. These are the qualities of a living God.

Based on this lecture, we understand that in order to walk the way of God, we need to be loving and kind to everyone, including all animals and living things as we are sharing and living on the same planet.

And, be thankful all the time for everything we have, as well as, appreciate not only our planet but, also this precious 'human body' as we had exchanged it with 9.2 zillions of spiritual points to have this physical body and this life time at this Golden Age so that we can ascended together with our Mother Earth.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

這才是男友!

這樣疼女友很猛的,這才是男友

我不允許你哭,因為有我在你還哭的話,就證明我沒用,那還要我幹什麼? !

我不允許你和別的男孩子晚上在外面玩,不是我不信任你,在心胸闊的男孩子也會吃醋的,更何況我是那麼的在乎你!

我不允許你幹體力活,有我在你憑什麼那麼累,乖乖的給我擦汗,倒水喝!

我不允許你起的比我早,別廢話,讓你睡你就睡,睡飽了好起來吃我做的早餐!

我不允許你吃醋,開玩笑,我那麼專一,我如果在你面前多看別的女生一眼,我把自己剁了!

我不允許你不信任我,我對你承諾的話,說過的話,答應你的一切我都會做到!

我不允許你不理我,你在我心中是那麼重要,沒有你我會很不自在,不要折磨我好嗎?

我不允許你要風度不要溫度,多穿點吧,天冷會感冒的,不管你穿的怎麼樣,你在我眼裡都是最美的!

我不允許你減肥,我的愛跟你的體重沒關係,你要堅信無論你變成什麼樣,我都愛你!

[source: http://likedget.net/p4264?fblt=0ba20#hcc]

這才是我要的男友, 如果你是這样我一定会嫁给你。。。 哈哈哈!

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

聰明人必做的 10 件事

聰明人必做的 10 件事

一、儲蓄友誼

靠得住的友誼是今生最溫暖的一件外套。它是靠你的人品和性情打造的,
一定要好好地珍惜它,如果到目前為止,還沒有幾筆,
那麼,從現在用心去儲存還來得及。

二、學會放手

這個年齡已經不允許不成熟,當你無力把握命運中的某種愛、某種緣、
某種現實,就要學會放手。給自己一個全新的開始,
只要信心在,勇氣就在; 努力在,成功就在。

三、播種善良

一定要極盡自己所能,讓那些比你苦、比你難過的人感受到這世上的陽光和美麗。
這樣的善良常常是播種,在不經意間,就會開出最美麗的人性之花。

四、懂得音樂

一定要學會一種樂器,它會洗滌你的身心,打開你的記憶和想像,
更會帶來意想不到的寧靜。
另外還有攝影、收藏,它們都能讓我們的生活增添滋味。

五、避開兩種苦

塵世間有兩苦,一是得不到之苦,二是鍾情之苦。
前者在你付諸努力的前提下,就把一切當作一場賭,勝之坦然,敗之淡然,
好在這年齡還有一定的資本得以捲土重來;
至於後者可說是世間最苦,如果把這時還有這樣的情愫,
一定要像清除 灰塵般,把它從心屋裏掃出去。

六、學會承受

有些事情需要無聲無息地忘記,經過一次,就長一次智慧;
有些苦痛和煩惱得要默默地承受;歷鍊一次;就豐富一次。
這個年齡不該再像小時候那樣大喊大叫,痛哭流涕。

七、常懷感恩心

當我們參加完葬禮,總會湧起一些感慨;當我們大病初癒,總會有萬般珍惜。
感恩的心一定要時時保留,它不僅讓你憐惜身邊事 物,還能平撫欲望和爭鬥,
甚至幸福的感覺也往往源自於此。

八、熱愛工作

儘管它不像喝茶、聊天那般愜意,但它檢驗著我們的智慧和能力,
得以讓我們體現價值及獲得成就。
一定要全心愛它,畢竟它讓 你大半生有事做、有飯吃。

九、勤於學習

讀書和學習都是在和智慧聊天,每年至少要讀五十本書,
它不僅保證你的記憶力、感悟力,還能讓你維持個性魅力,
這可是練瑜珈做美容所不能達到的效果。

十、享受運動

善用時間運動、享受自然。你的體重就不會因懶惰而上漲,
你的容貌也不會因歲月而減少生動,在某種程度上更能保存青春、快樂與健康。

How To Listen To GOD!

Excerpt from The Supreme Master Ching Hai's lecture in Russia - We are here to bless the World!

I am here to help you know how to listen to God every day. Then you will know that God exists, so that you will know that Hes really hears your prayers and that Hes really answers them, any of them. Anytime, in any second of your life, Hes will help you, answer you, protect you, love you and instruct you about what to do with your life and how to solve your problems. Hes is there 24 hours a day. Then you will know that we are not supposed to suffer, that we are here to enjoy, we are here to glorify God and glorify ourselves. We are here to bless the world. We are here to enjoy every possible thing that God has created for us, visibly and invisibly.

All we have to do is just remember Hirm, not even for the whole day, but just a little while every day, just to remember going up to a higher level of Hiers mansions and receiving Hiers love and blessing. Then we go back down again, to distribute them to ourselves, our family, our nations and our planet. And we don't even have to forsake everything - just the little time it takes for us to watch a film or to read a newspaper. That's all the time it takes to know God and to receive Hiers love.

Because just as we need food every day for our physical strength, we need Heavenly food every day in order to be stronger in our Faith, to be stronger in our Wisdom and to be stronger in Spiritual Knowledge, so that we can help ourselves out of this suffering world and help other people as well. That's all we have to do.

The Journey Back To Heaven!

Excerpt from The Supreme Master Ching Hai's lecture in Russia - We are here to bless the World!

All the scriptures of many religions have recorded how the Saints of the past had access to Heaven. And, we thought that only these Saints were able to travel to God, while we ordinary people could not. But, WE CAN! Because the Saints, the Masters of the past, have always left some unspoken methods or unspoken ways of going to Heaven. And, some people still keep this method and can continue to transmit it to us.

In order to go to the highest kingdom of God, we have to travel through different levels of Heaven. We have often heard that when someone dies and leaves the physical body, he either goes to Heaven or goes to Hell. We can train ourselves to go to Heaven; we can train ourselves to know the way to Heaven first, and we can train ourselves to avoid Hell while we are living. So when we die and leave this physical world, we just go straight to Heaven.

Every day Miracles happen once we are Reconnected!

Every day miracles happen in our life once we Reconnected ourselves with God, and all we have to do is just sit there and try to listen to what Hes says. That's all we have to do. That's why we call it meditation or silent praying in the closet or contemplating on God, whatever you want to call it. It's just a silent communication with God so that we know what to do with our life. After that, we never worry about anything. Because we know that God takes care of us in every way. Before that, even when we do things all smoothly, we still worry that it might go wrong afterwards.

When something goes wrong, we will wait and see because we know that later God will bring us somewhere else which is where we're supposed to be, and we know that's why things go wrong in the first place. So we live our life in peace, in security and in the immense love of God, every second of our life, awake or asleep. Because we have the choice to leave the coarse, the gross, the rough level of energy behind us or below us, and we have the choice to ascend into a higher level of life, which exists at the same time and takes out whatever goodness there is from the higher level.

Source:
Part excerpts of SMCH lecture in Poland May 11th, Together we can choose a bright Destiny.

The Supreme Master is the name of the Father

The Supreme Master Ching Hai is not my name. It's the name of the Father. I know you are "scared" of that name, but don't be! God wants me to have that name so that Hiers children know that it's Hirm who is speaking, not a human who speaks to you.

My ego was very alarmed at first. I worried that people would make trouble for me. But, God told me, "Don't worry." Hes know what to do. Whatever God commands, I just have to do it. After knowing God, I have no personal business, no private time, no personal wishes, no... nothing! I just have to do whatever is Hiers will. And of course, it would not be easy if God's grace were not protecting this so-called "being." Buddha, Mohammed, the Lord Jesus - these great Teachers and many other teachers have sacrificed their lives and shed their blood, so that we can be in peace and safety to speak the Truth in this era of this planet.

Source:
Part excerpts of SMCH lecture in Poland May 11th, Together we can choose a bright Destiny.

It's Immediate!

It's immediate! because we already have all the equipment.

God is always with us. Hes never leaves us now or beyond this world or ever, ever. Hes is always there, always in here, always near, always everywhere; it's just that we do not know it because we have lost the contact.

Source:
Part excerpts of SMCH lecture in Poland May 11th, Together we can choose a bright Destiny.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

有多少愛可以重來 ?

有多少愛可以重來 ?

( 男主角敘述 )

她19歲,我23歲

她大二,我無業遊民.

她讀書很好,年年拿獎學金,

人不漂亮身材略胖,但很可愛,尤其是那雙眼睛。

我高中畢業,日日和那幫狐群狗友混在一起,

但長得不錯,身材修長,應該算帥。

我們因為網絡認識,然後就戀愛了,她很單純;

就憑著一句"我會好好珍惜你的",

我就成了他人生旅途中第一個男人,

那個時候我肯定她是愛我愛的要死的。

我告訴她在她之前我有過 N個女人,

可她眨大眼睛笑著說她不介意,

她只知道她會是我最後一個女人,

還打趣說這才可以證明她的眼光。

她脾氣很好,剛開始約會,

我幾乎每次遲到,一次約會我睡過頭,

她在大冬天的寒風裡等了我 2 個多小時。

我到那兒的時候,她只是笑說以後睡覺別撥電話線。

那個時候我應該說是喜歡她的,卻談不上是愛。

她20歲,我24歲.

她大三,我無業遊民.

那年她開始要工作,其實憑她條件,

考研究所輕而易舉,可她放棄了,

我當然知道是為什麼,我沒有工作、沒有收入,

而愛情是不可能沒有錢做鋪墊的。

她開始邊讀書邊打工,一打就是好幾份。

為了不想讓我家人感覺我談戀愛後會多用錢,

她不讓我向家裡要一分錢,連我的日常開銷都是她的收入。

甚至為了給我買生日禮物,她一個多月不坐車,不吃午飯,

當我知道的時候,她眨著大眼晴笑著說她是想減肥。

那個時候我想我也許是愛上她了。!

於是我向她保證我會努力學習,找好的工作,給她幸福。

她21歲,我25歲

她大四,我無業遊民

這年她懷孕了,對於一個女孩,

一個學生的她來說,這無疑是一個晴天霹靂。

所幸我阿姨是婦科醫生,

於是在一個晚上,我們偷偷進行了人流手術。

由於是夜晚,沒有麻藥,阿姨讓我用手摀住她的嘴,

以免她叫出聲,手術台上,阿姨每一次的動作,

我的一隻手都會勞勞摀住她的嘴,

而她的手會緊緊的死拉著我的另一隻手,

眼裡閃著淚花,臉上流露出極痛苦的表情。

那個時候我發誓一輩子愛她。

那晚她流了很多血,

阿姨給她開了病假單,讓她休息幾天。

並和我媽給了她800元錢,讓她買些東西補身體。

可她把一半的錢給了我,

因為我曾提到我沒有春天的外套。

而我竟然收了。

不久我找到了工作,是汽車銷售,

可高中畢業後就再沒有工作過的我,很不適應,

而且這份工作底薪很少,於是她出錢讓我讀書,

還幾乎天天陪著我一起學習。

她22歲,我26歲

她廣告人,我汽車銷售

那年我們都工作了,她的工作很不錯,

而我也許是外表的原因,特別招些女客戶青睞,

因此單子是一筆接一筆,

經過一年的鍛煉加上運氣,竟也混到了銷售主管。

既是做銷售,就難免要應酬客戶。

有句話說:常在河邊走,那有不濕鞋。

一次應酬後,

一位大客戶指名要我送她回家,

我送了,後來就發生了那種事,

很自然這筆大單子也訂下了。

可那個客戶卻不是玩一夜情的人,一直纏著我。

我也清楚她能給我帶來利益。

世上沒不透風的牆,何況女友是聰明、敏感的女孩。

可她說相信我不是那種人,

我沒作聲,只感覺很對不起她。

我決定和那個客戶說清楚,

也打算放棄她那邊的生意。

在車庫裡客戶很爽快的表示同意,

只是要求能有最後一次激情。

其實在她說同意的時候我就猜出她會提這個要求,

也明白這最後一次我拒絕不了。生活就像電影,

我知道肯定是公司哪個嫉妒我的王八蛋

告訴她我和客戶在車庫,

不然她不會來到這裡。

是的,在我們上演噁心一幕的時候女友出現在我們面前。

她的那雙眼睛惡狠狠的注視著我,

一句話沒說,甩頭走了。

我沒來得及整好衣服就跑去追她

可連人影子也沒追著。

我打她的手機,關機;

去她的公司,沒人;

找她的好友,可沒人知道她去那裡!

那個時候也許是我平生第一次從內心感到著急。

我只能等在她家門口,那裡是她一定會出現的地方。

整整一個晚上,我寸步不離就怕錯過她,

雖說天不很冷,但夜晚的風吹著還是有些涼意,

我也沒放棄打她的電話,但得到的回應總是關機,

我這時才體會出當初她在寒凍等我,

夜晚找不到我時的心情,真的,很難受,很難受!

早上5點,她終於出現了,我衝上去抱住她,

希望她能被我這一晚的等待打動,可我錯了,

她不再是那個只要我說上幾句抱歉的話便會心軟的她了。

她不說話,只是想推開我,可我死不放手,

在推拉時,從她敞開的衣領裡我清楚看見

脖子下處一塊鮮明的紅印,

過來人都知道這說明什麼。

我的手鬆開了,心裡一下子有種說不出的味道。

她依然沒有說話,理了下衣服走了。

回到家已時 8 點,腦子裡亂哄哄,

看見她為我織的一件毛衣,

突然問自己"你有什麼資格委屈,難受,生氣,

四年來,你給她帶來的委屈,難受能與這相比嗎?"

正當我要去找她時,電話響了,是她的好友約我見面。

我去了,一個人很少的茶室。

我還沒來得及說第一句話,

她就狠狠一巴掌打在我臉上。

你這個自私、狹隘、卑鄙的男人,

沒見過男人無恥到像你這種地步。

你知道嗎,你那些債是怎麼幫你還的,

是她把20歲生日收到的所有紅包,

再加上捐血的錢幫你還的;

她人工流產後一天都沒休息就去了打工的地方,

因為她說那裡錢多,不去會丟了這份工作。

你剛工作為了能給你樹立信心,

她拚命陪一個客戶喝酒讓他買你的車,

結果胃病發作吐了幾天。

你呢,工作一年了,有送過一樣東西給她嗎?

你是不是男人,你有沒有真正關心過她,

愛護過她,還是你跟她一起,就是把她當工具,

當做一個讓生理發洩,心理安慰,

物質有保證的工具!!!

說完便又是一杯水向我潑過來,走了。

這場談心自始自終我沒說過一個字。

我哭了,從我記憶以來,我從沒哭過,

可這次我哭得很徹底,我是一個差勁到底的男人,

說的一點不錯,她做了那麼多事,

可我卻一點不知道,只一點我決不承認,

我愛她,我肯肯定定告訴自己我這輩子愛定她。

我去找她,我做好一切心理準備,

無論她怎樣對我,罵我,打我,侮辱我,

我都要以實際行動讓她原諒我。

可她的速度真的好快,

一天之內就可以讓我完全找不到她,

她辭了工作,換了號碼,不住在家裡,

也沒人願意告訴我她在那裡。但我沒有放棄,

我一下班就在大街上漫無目的找她,

每天都會去她家門口等,

求她的好友告訴我她的消息,可都沒用。

三個月過去了,我像往常一樣求她的好友,

這似乎已經成為我的習慣。

"她去德國了,三年內不會回來了,你死這條心吧"。

我很早就知道她有個叔叔在德國是做留學仲介的,

沒想到她會去的那麼快。

人真的很賤,為什麼都要到失去後,

才會懂得珍惜和後悔。

三年?也許這也是個機會,三年後她回來,

我一定要改變自己,於是我認真讀書,

努力工作,拉近我們的距離。

2002年,我29歲,她25歲。

我已經夜大三年本科畢業,工作也步入正軌,

我還努力搓合我同事和她好友,目的其實很明顯。

三年裡我有想去德國找她,可是不知道她在那個城市;

我沒和一個陌生女人說過話,甚至是重要客戶;

我把所有的錢都存起來,寫的是她的名字;

我每逢過節,和她生日就會買一樣

她以前曾說過喜歡的東西;

每天都會在紅紙上寫一句我愛你,

在白紙上寫對不起,再折成一個心型,

放在兩個瓶子裡;

我在腰背部紋上了她的名字,

因為她說過紋身很疼很疼,

那種疼足以證明愛一個人有多深,

如果有人在身上紋她的名字,她一定嫁給他。

三年的努力也算讓她的好友開始慢慢原諒我,

並首次給我看了她在德國的照片,和她的錄音,

她沒變,眼睛還是那樣清澈,美麗。

聲音還是那樣溫柔,動聽,

從三年前車庫那一幕發生後,

我就再也沒聽到過她的聲音了,

不知為什麼淚珠不自覺地滑了出來,

三年裡我的淚腺功能發達了100%。

好友說她今年12月初就要回來了,

但不肯定是否單身,或是會原諒我,

而好友能幫我的也只能告訴我

她回來的具體時間和航班,

因為三年中每當好友提到關於我,

她都會下線或是乾脆不談。

我知道是我傷害她太深,太重了。

有多少愛可以重來,有多少人願意等待。

12月轉眼就要到了,這幾個星期我幾乎天天失眠,

我不知道她是否會原諒我,

不知道第一句話該如何對她說,

有太多太多不知道。

但我會讓她知道,從此我會是最愛她的人!

( 女主角敘述 )

19歲之前,我一直以為我是個幸運的女孩,

在家我尊老愛幼,乖巧懂事是最受寵愛的孩子,

在學校我是品學兼優,勤奮好學是老師最喜歡的學生,

在同學眼裡我是活潑開朗善解人意是最有人緣的朋友,

家人寵我,老師疼我,朋友同學喜歡我。

從小學到高中我不是直升就是保送,

考大學那年我更是沒辜負大家的欺望,

考入一所重點學校,並在第一年就拿到一等獎學金。

那段歲月裡,家人都為我驕傲,所有人都認為,

我的仕途應該是一帆風順,

而我的另一伴也一定會是和我一樣優秀甚至是更完美的人。

然而19歲之後,我在網上認識了他,

他是生活環境和我完全不同的人,

他的世界讓我充滿了好奇和誘惑,

我以為自己很理智,可還是和他見了面。

我對他一見鍾情,他的頹廢,他的浪蕩,

他的憂鬱對我產生強烈的吸引,

我心跳快的像要蹦出胸口,

我呼吸急促的快要止息,我臉紅的就像發燒。

他一定是情場高手,一眼看穿了我的心,

要我做他女朋友,因為我與眾不同,

單純可愛,而我竟傻的以為他真的喜歡我,一口答應了。

我承認在這其中有虛榮心作祟,各方面都優秀的我,

唯獨對外表沒有太大自信,

而他填滿了我心中最後的那塊虛榮之地。

為了這百分之一的虛榮,和百分之九九對他的真愛,

我,付了百分之百的代價。

在我們相戀的第一年,我就給了他無數個人生第一次,

第一次的牽手,第一次的擁抱,第一次的親吻,

第一次的親密接觸......我以為我這樣的付出,
他會感動,他會知足,他會愛我,

可他對我的態度不冷不熱,經常在一起時,

他如魂魄出竅,可以半天沒有反應;

對我們的約會他時常忘記,

可以讓我在寒凍酷暑苦等甚至不見人影,

對我的關心更是少之又少,

高燒一個星期,竟然一次都沒看望甚至連通電話都沒,

而事後竟說不知道。

那時如果換作聰明的女孩早就應該一腳踢開他,

而我卻像鬼迷心竅,一點都沒責怪他,

反而事事為他考慮,替他著想。真是傻的可憐啊。

第二年,我的導師和家人叫我考研究所,我放棄了,

所有人都感到奇怪,爸媽甚至還痛罵我,

那是第一次他們這樣嚴厲訓斥我,可沒有效果。

因為我要賺錢,我不想他的開銷太大,

儘管他從未在我身上花過一分一厘,

我向學校申請了打工,因為平時在校表現不錯,

很容易就找了家挺好的單位,

我把所有的收入分成兩半,他一半我一半。

還記得他生日為了幫他買雙鞋,

一個月省吃節用,不坐公車;

為了幫他還債,我報名捐血,

把營養費和父母給的錢都替他還上,還不讓他知道,

怕的是他會擔心,可現在想想他那時也許根本不會擔心。

真是傻的可悲啊。

第三年,我懷了孕,天啊,我急的要死,

可還不能讓家人知道,

而我的病也就是這年開始慢慢抬頭的。

我戀愛的事沒讓家人知道,

因為這樣的男友實在是見不得人的,這點我也明白。

可我還是一頭栽進愛的盲區,任愛煎熬,

我時常會為他對我的漠不關心難過,

可一到家裡我要將這些不愉快全部隱藏,

還要笑臉迎人,又無處發洩,那種日子真的非常難熬

在家我表面依然要和大家嘻嘻哈哈,談笑風聲,

可內心卻心急如焚,總算他有個阿姨是婦科醫生,

為了不讓醫院其他人知道,我們是在晚上偷偷做人工流產,

沒有護士,沒有麻藥,只有冰冷的器具在我身體裡攪動。

手術本來就會很疼,而缺少麻藥作輔更是讓我疼的想要死,

沒經歷過的人一定是無法想像那有多疼的。

我本能的想喊,可他的手緊緊摀住我的嘴,

不讓我發聲,我也明白夜深人靜的醫院,

又是做這種手術,

要是傳出斯心裂肺的聲音,一定會讓人知道。

我只能忍,我哭著看著他,

從他的眼睛裡我第一次看到了疼惜的眼神,

我知道他心疼我了,眼淚更是忍不住的流了出來。

手術過後,我流了許多血,

他的母親和阿姨給了我些錢,並叮囑我好好休息。

而我把一半的錢給了他,並在第二天就去了打工的地方,

原因是我不想失去這份薪水豐厚的工作,

因為手術時他的眼神讓我看到了希望,

況且他發誓說會努力發奮,要去讀書,

所以我要更努力賺錢。

第四年,我畢業工作了,他兌現了承諾找了份工作,

並開始讀書,由於他脫節脫的很厲害,

我可以說是天天陪他一起學,並替他付了學費,

為了不讓父母懷疑,我還得每月交一筆錢給他們,

這樣下來我不是打兩份工,

就是月月縮衣節食,才能兩邊兼顧。

所幸的是在我們努力下,他總算考進了夜大本科,

而且由於工作業績不錯,還提升了主管,

這讓覺得我和他會有未來,我所吃的苦疼都值得。

可現實卻沒那麼美好,他真的是本性難改,

和他的一個客戶發生了關係,並讓我親眼看到,

那一刻看他們親密的樣子,我真的好恨好恨,

如果手裡有槍我一定會殺了他們我的腦子像被炸開一樣,

發瘋似的跑了出去,我告訴自己不許哭,

可一想到那麼多年來,我反反覆覆為他做的,

為他付出的,為他放棄的,

終於還是不爭氣的哭了,止都止不住。

那晚我去酒吧呆了一夜,喝了個醉,我想忘掉一切。

清晨我回到家裡,發現他守在樓下,

我不知道他呆了多久,也不想知道,

這對我已經沒有意義,他很用力的抱住我,

拚命的道歉,可我一個字都聽不進去,掙扎時,

他突然放手了,我知道他是看到了我脖子下的那塊紅色印記,

他以為我墮落去了,

其實只是我喝醉酒跳舞時撞到了台角,

可笑啊,他自己分明是個爛人,卻還會在意這個,

這反而讓我更加厭惡,

讓我看清了他是個那麼狹隘的人,

好像是我讓他受了委屈一樣,

我不想解釋,就讓他這樣認為吧。

我回家之後,努力壓抑著悲憤跟父母說了

現在的工作不順心想去留學,他們很吃驚,

但也表示同意,因為很早他們就想讓我去了,

是我一直不願意。

我找了最好的朋友談心,在她面前我再也無法忍受,

徹底崩潰了,我告訴她幾年來我為他做的點點滴滴,

結果是我們抱著一起哭,發洩完心情有了好轉,

我打電話辭了工作,告訴父母說找我都說不在,

換了號碼,去了外地散心。

由於叔叔是仲介,自己大學成績都很好,

鑒定證明三個月就下來了,我一刻不耽誤的就走了。

可到了德國,我才知道原來自己得了憂鬱症,

說給所有人聽也許都不信,那麼開朗活潑的我,

怎麼會得這種病,好的時候我很清楚自己做什麼,

可犯病時就會經常產生幻覺,回想那些往事,

然後就哭,就莫名的發呆,甚至傷害自己。

我自己都害怕,我討厭自己為什麼要活在他的陰影裡,

還好我是個堅強的孩子,我一邊接受治療,

一邊用功的讀書,我聽醫生的話,

把所有精力都轉移在讀書上,按時服藥,

多做些快樂的事,不要回想過去的悲傷。

總算給我熬了過來。

在德國的後兩年裡,我可以說是成功的戒了他。

今年畢業回國,我回到了久別的家中,

看著家人還是那樣親切,對我還是那樣的引以為傲,

讓我又找到了那種失去已久的感覺,

真的是無比開心幸福。可一星期後,

好友突然讓我去了個網站,

看了一篇貼子,又再次激起了我的回憶。

那一個個字,一句句話,

始終讓我難以相信是出自他手。他算是懺悔嗎。

我最好的朋友被他收買了,

或許她是真被感動了吧,可她不是我。

她或許知道我疼,可不知道我有多疼,

她或許知道我恨,可不知道我有多恨。

他三年的等待與我三年的付出能比嗎?

他存起來的錢與我為他賣血灑汗的錢能比嗎?

他買的那些所謂我喜歡的東西

與我為他不吃不喝所買的東西能比嗎?

他那些寫滿我愛你,對不起的心型

與我為對他三年裡的愛和委屈能比嗎?

他那個腰上紋身的疼痛

能與我為他墮胎所忍受的痛疼相比嗎?

我的痛疼才剛剛止住,我的生活也開始慢慢恢復,

可你卻又想再次進入,19歲的初戀,換來無數的傷疤,

我曾把最真的愛都奉獻給你,

六年的歲月,已讓我不再單純如紙。

你說我還要再賭一次嗎,你說我有必要再賭一次嗎,

你說會不會換來更多六年的懲罰?

有多少愛可以重來,有多少人願意再被傷害?

人生,沒有綵排。很多事情不能比。

男女雙方的感情更是不能比的。

這樣對對方殘忍。對自己更殘忍。

請對自己寬容。愛可以不要重來。但可以選擇。